Here I am on my second birthday, which was about 6 months ago,
which confirms my mother has early onset Alzheimers.
Which is probably genetic, doh!!
Happy Birthday to Emile Radayayayamiila
I’m only saying that because his son, Milo, is SUPER cute!
Dress by Baby Bardot
Due to suffering from a serious case of croup, my doctor prescribed me steroids.
It’s done wonders for my throat, but I seem to be experiencing some side effects.
Not only have I started wearing oversized gym singlets, but I’m experiencing bursts of uncontrollable anger.
Like today, when Mum told me to stop drawing on the walls – I punched her then bit her on the face!
She asked me to apologise but I just closed my eyes and started singing.
I’m not sure what came over me, but it sure felt good to let it all out!
I always thought croup was a disease you got when you worked at a casino.
Clearly I was wrong because I haven’t even been to one… Yet.
I did.
I ate a little lamb.
And it was yummy.
NB: Petting zoo’s will never have the same appeal.
Shirt by Sprout
Did I mention I’m back at school? I must say, I wasn’t fond of the idea, but now that I’ve settled in, it’s not so bad. Sandpit is fun, despite the insidious whiff of cat pee. I also like the slippery slide, but the queues to get on are getting a little ridiculous. The best part is the emotional manipulation I get to play on my parents at drop off time. I pretend to cry, they feel guilty, then I get new toys!
Next time I’ll try reverse psychology and see if I can score myself a new bike!
What I have learnt about animals:
Birds are really good singers
Monkeys are cute, and they’re thieves
Dogs are awesome, but they better not touch me
Cats have taught me to eat without hands
Cows, sheep and ducks all live on a farm… And are delicious.
Have you noticed how mum’s are constantly complaining about the effects of childbirth.
“Jaime ruined my career… Jaime ruined my figure… Jaime took away my precious sleep…”
It NEVER ends. Well mum, here’s another thing I took away – your bladder control!
I laugh to myself knowing she will never be able to sneeze without doing a little wee – ever!
Jaime = 1
Mum = 0
Jacket by Tiny Little Wonders
Dress by Target
What is the big deal about sleep? I prefer to stay up really late and eat as much food as I can… Kind of like a cockroach.
Now that I’ve mastered the art of speech, I don’t really have much of a need to cry. Previously if I was hungry or tired – I would cry. These days, if I need to alert people to how I’m feeling – I just tell them.
If I’m hungry, I say “Lena, COOKING”.
If I’m tired I say, “Woah-woah woah-woah, sleepy time”.
If I want mum to know where she stands in my hierarchy of importance, I say “I love you… Toys!”
My new favourite accessory - Leg Warmers
Denim Jacket by Nuggets (thanks Steven)
Dress and boots by Kmart
Leg warmers by Agoo Australia
Rio
Starring Jesse Eisenberg and Anne Hathaway
Although this film is clearly about birds, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re watching a kids version of Avatar. So many trees, so much flying… Yet unlike Avatar, this film did not go on for 7 hours. Rio, by contrast, is your typical bird meets bird, bird loses bird, bird gets smuggled, bird has unprotected sex, kinda film.
Blu (Eisenberg) plays the nerdy character much like his role in The Social Network and Jewel (Hathaway) plays the object of his affection. Will.i.am and Jaime Foxx play two unidentifiable birds and also run a birdy nightclub, which gives them the perfect opportunity to do impromptu raps and ruin well constructed sentences with ridiculous rhymes. The highlights are without a doubt the klepto-krumping monkeys and Nigel the crazy cockatoo (Jermaine Clement aka Flight of the Conchords).
It’s upbeat, colourful and even entertains the adults. I give this movie 3 out of 5 stars.
Lambswool jacket by Cotton On
It’s my Dad’s birthday today. I don’t know his exact age, but he’s definitely toilet trained which makes him older than me.
Happy Birthday to my favourite Daddy.
Dress by Mothercare
I’m fussy with my food, I admit it. Here’s a few reasons why I’m looking forward to life of scurvy and premature boobs by the age of five:
1. I don’t eat anything green, red or yellow ie: vegetables
2. I will not eat the same meal twice in one week
3. I don’t eat fruit – except for mandarins
4. I don’t drink milk
5. I will only eat meat if it’s covered in truffle oil
6. I like yoghurt, but only if it’s Greek style
7. I like chicken, a lot
Jacket by Tiny Little Creatures
Jaime Aged 8 months
I’ve come a long way since this photo. I can even use cutlery now. But the most important development is my ability to respond to Sydney drivers when they act like idiots. So, if you decide to tailgate or speed unnecessarily in 40km zones, then don’t be surprised when I call you a “wanker” from my baby car seat.
We face many problems as the result of living with adults, which is why there needs to be an HR department for kids.
Here are just a few of the issues we deal with on a daily basis:
Having to play with toys that cause injuries / OHS
Taken on road trips against our will, causing sickness / Health Hazards
Gossiped about while we’re still in the room / Workplace Harassment
Given toys that aren’t ergonomic / RSI
Parents leaving you with strangers for hours on end / Absenteeism
Being told we’re too young / Age Discrimination
Come to think of it, I better get my resume in order before I get the sack…
Dress by Cotton On Baby
Vintage Jaime
Move over Kate, Katherine or Duchy, whatever your name is,
You looked pretty good on your wedding day, but I was wearing McQueen while you were still a commoner!
I love water. I love swimming in it, drinking it, playing with it… I love everything about it. Except rain.
Water falling out of the sky without purpose, making everything cold and miserable, holding the sun hostage for no apparent reason. I don’t like it!
And no amount of double rainbows can change my mind – rain sucks!
Dress by Tiny LIttle Wonders
Shoes by Converse
According to ‘history’ Jesus liked to eat steak on Fridays. But one day all the butchers ran out of meat, so he ate fish instead.
And that is the story of *Good Friday.
*It is highly possible my sources are wrong so you should probably consult Wikipedia – or a book called the Bible – available on Amazon or the bed side table at any hotel.
Dress by Max For Kids
This is me… Literally, coming out of the closet.
There are so many good things about Autumn – leaves falling from the trees, wearing cool clothes, not having to sleep in a puddle of sweat… But the best thing is not having to hear my mum complain about the humidity ruining her hair. If people think kids whinge too much – then meet my mum!
I know what you’re thinking, this is supposed to be a daily blog, right? Yes, I’ve neglected the blog, but I’m a very busy girl. Plus, drinking the contents of a pool takes a really really really long time.
I’m not sure what it takes to win a baby contest. I thought I had all the right attributes:
Cuteness – check
Photegenic – check
Stage mum – check
But I guess that’s not enough to be voted Australia’s cutest baby.
SO from now on I’m starting my own competition: Australia’s Cutest Baby DIVA! I am the reigning champion – obviously.
Is it child abuse if your parents drop you off with a family member and go on a holiday for 2 weeks?
Yes
Then I better call Child Services – mum and dad are guilty as charged!
Dress by Ouch
Shoes by Kmart
Now that I’ve mastered the art of walking, my next venture is to fine-tune my speech. Here’s what I know so far:
Daddy = Something is amusing and sometimes it means Dad.
Dadd-oo-day dadd-oo-day = “Don’t f**k with me or I’ll kick you in the shins”
Oh No = “Something has fallen/broken and it’s now YOUR responsibility”
Habibi = Proves i’m bilingual
Apple = Refers to all fruit – except ‘bananas’
Bananananana = Banana, obviously
Bottle = “Somebody needs to bring me a bottle right this second. And make it fast or i’m bringing the tears”
Water = Refers to the water your drink and the kind you swim in – and sometimes I like to drink the water I swim in.
Birdy = Anything in the sky
Woo-woo = Anything with fur
Hi = “You need to pay me way more attention, right now!”
Bye = “Go away”
Ta = “You’re going to give me WHATEVER I want, WHENEVER I want it”
By the way, please vote for me in the Bonds Baby Search – so I can make enough money to emancipate myself from my awful parents
I’ve recently discovered whinging. If you’re not familiar, it’s the horrible half cry, half whimper sound kids make when they want something. Most of the time it’s quite successful, but in the off chance it doesn’t work, here’s a list of techniques to help you get your way.
1. To avoid walking – pretend to fall and hurt yourself, preferably in public. Parents feel guilty and immediately pick you up.
2. To get a later bed time – pretend to be hungry. Parents feel bad if they think you haven’t been fed enough.
3. To get a treat when shopping – pick up a toy and break it. Parents are required to pay for it. (You will have a broken toy, but it’s better than going home empty handed)
4. To avoid eating specific foods – Simply spit it at your parents. Make sure your aim is correct otherwise you won’t get the desired affect.
5. To avoid playing with a specific child – vomit on the child’s parents. They’ll think twice about another ‘play-date’.
Dress by Target
Hat by Pumpkin Patch
Thongs by Havaianas
Like today…
I was involved in a horrific accident (I fell over). Two of my teeth were knocked out (I hit my mouth on a cabinet). Buckets of blood gushed out (there was a drop of blood). Mum hysterically screamed for help (she peered over the computer). I was immediately rushed to hospital (kitchen), where a doctor (dad) performed surgery (rinsed my mouth with water) and then given morphine to dull the pain (given a sweet biscuit to shut me up). It will be at least six months before I’m fully recovered (I was back to normal in three and a half minutes).
I guess I just remember things more dramatically.
Knitted top by Clayeux
Bloomers by Dragster
Today was my first swim lesson. Although I don’t know if ‘swim’ is the correct word to describe what I learnt.
I am, however an expert in swallowing copious amounts of water and sinking to the bottom of the pool.
Dress by Little Adult
They say the first step in dealing with your problem is to admit it to yourself. So here goes;
I, Jaime Barridge, do not like fruit.
So before I start my 12 step program, here’s my message to all of you – especially Mum – stop pushing your filthy, sticky sugar-snacks on me anymore!
NB: I do however, love the gays.
I feel terrible about the recent floods in Queensland. Somebody must have left the tap on all night or something because it’s really bad up there. There isn’t much I can do to help, considering I can’t swim and I’m scared of snakes (or so I’ve been told) – so instead I’m donating my fashion budget for the month to the Queensland Flood disaster.
I hope my Queensland family are safe and well.
Sunflower dress by Unicorn
I saw Easter Eggs on sale today, so I guess Easter has come early this year?
At this rate, Xmas time is in 3 weeks.
Happy Birthday to my very special Uncle Peter. He teaches me how to be cool.
xxx
Dress by Delish
My new years resolutions:
1. Health
Gain weight, exercise less, outgrow this midget look I have
2. Nutrition
Quit vegetables, drink less formula, figure out how to smuggle sugar into my diet
3. Personal
Learn a new language, or at least learn to speak English (nobody seems to understand my current language)
4. Career
Find a new job (blogging is so 2010)
5. Finances
Save more – I’m very expensive
Dress by Unicorn
Bloomers by Dragster
